Thunder and lightning and the hands of God

Sitting in the taxi that took me from the center of Jakarta to the airport, away from good old horrible Plaza Indonesia, with its enormously expensive shopping malls, skyscrapers and chique hotels, it was thundering and lightning. Rain was splashing on the windows. It seemed only fitting, as an official goodbye to rainy season, to get some more rain. I was riding in the taxi like an Indian princess, covered in beautiful fabrics, a gift from my Indian family in Jakarta. These generous people took me in like a daughter, sister, brother, and they stole my heart. Leaving them was difficult, but it had to be done. I knew that staying there with them would mean I would become a total yogi and would not finish my dissertation. I know I will return to them, at some point, to teach more yoga and learn more from them about Sikhism and the gurudwara and all the gurus. For now I am grateful that I got to experience a glimpse of what life could be like as a full time yoga teacher. I love it.

That was four weeks ago, but the thunder and lightning has not stopped, although now it seems to be internal, most of the time. My own thunder and lighting, winding and grinding its way through my body, my mind. I was again reminded that some things are not what they seem to be, or what I would like them to be. I returned to Holland in a rush, driven by homesickness and a feeling of unrest that I could not shake off. I was planning to stay in Indonesia at least till June, but I couldn't. I don't exactly know what happened, besides this driving, urging feeling that I HAD TO GO HOME. So after some resisting and some stress and sadness and doubt, I did. It was not easy, I had commitments, I had appointments, I had yoga students and friends expecting me to stay, I had a special friend coming to visit me there. This all had to be canceled, this all caused lots of disappointments, for other people and for me. I turned my last weeks in Jakarta into a beautiful mess, like Jason Mraz sings so nicely. And now I am still cleaning up the beautiful mess inside. It's taking a bit of work.

Nevertheless, I am doing well, arrived safely and was warmly, generously welcomed by beautiful people. By one beautiful person in particular, my special friend M. I was also lucky to spend a weekend with my extended family from my father's side, the Dirks side. One of the reasons I wanted to come back was because we had a great family weekend together, over 30 of us, uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces. It was special for me, to see all of my family together, to see 'this is where I come from'.

I also enjoy spring in Holland tremendously, it is one of the most beautiful things in the world to me. Everything is so green, flowers are blooming, the smells in the air are overwhelming, the little lambs and baby cows and little horses running around outside. The tenderness of nature, the song of the birds, the feeding and caring and blossoming of life. It can honestly put me to tears to witness a little waterbird dragging straws to his/her nest, putting it on and immediatly swimming away to return for more. Or how they feed their little ones: eating something and then feeding it from their beaks to their babies.

Although I have landed in Holland, I have been in constant flux, not really landing anywhere till last week. I decided then to plant my feet and my laptop in Haren, a small village near Groningen, in the North of Holland. I have a little room, in my mom's house. It is great being with my mom actually, it is like a rediscovery. We have both changed so much since I moved out when I was seventeen and now we are suddenly, temporarily, housemates. I guess being 30 years old and living with your mom is not very sexy. But then, my life is not about being sexy, it is about doing sadhana/yoga every morning and finishing my PhD. It is about completing the enormous task that is called a dissertation. It is about shaking off the load that has been on my shoulders for five years already, 2 in the USA and 3 in Holland. Completion, a fresh start, new choices. I am longing to be done. Now I am writing dilligently on my dissertation.... every day. A few pages a day, makes a book a year. A mantra I keep repeating to myself. This week I wrote 18 pages, that is good, that is 6 pages more than my target of 12 pages a week.... one chapter per month.

So yes, I returned to Holland but I did not return to Amsterdam, to Leiden or anywhere near my friends or fellow yogis. This is on purpose, since I discovered in Indonesia that the only way I produce good work in a relaxed mindset is when I live in isolation and don't have too many distractions. The distractions here are minimal and beautiful: the bird in the tree for my window, a magnolia blossoming, my mom's footsteps downstairs, making lunch, a walk in the large garden or along the sandy road behind the house.

I have disappointed myself and others with some of the choices I made in the past few weeks and make at the moment. These are difficult and painful things to recover from, more than I thought.

I have hardly seen or visited any of my friends in the West of Holland, but over the next weeks or months it might happen, gradually. Of course I would love to see them all soon, but I can't. For some reason I just have to take it slow. My life is so full with just writing my dissertation. And I am still far away from everyone, 2,5 hours by train or so. Groningen almost seems as far away from life in Amsterdam as Indonesia....This is all I do: I get up at 4.00 am, do my sadhana, breakfast, start work at 8 am, work till 17.00, get an early dinner, take a walk or a run outside, maybe watch a dvd, sleep. The next day the whole thing starts over again. Discipline, discipline, discipline. I know it will see me through. Sat Nam, Sat Nam, Sat Nam....

And during the weekends? During the weekends I get to relax, and I hopefully will see my special friend as often as possible. It is still a distance between him and me, but it is less than it was for the past three months, it is a distance that can be covered by train and car.... so now there is a chance, a chance to get to know each other better.

I am not sure how long I will stay here in Groningen, I am still travelling, inside and outside. I don't feel yet like getting my stuff out of storage and setting up my own house again. Not yet. I have some other offers for places to stay: I could go stay in my dad's house in Munich for a while, I could go back to Yogyakarta and work there for a while. Or maybe I will move closer to my special friend, depending on how things develop for us. I could go many places.... but for now, in the present moment, I am here, in Haren, with my mom and my books and archival documents and my dissertation, and that is all there is.

I had expected many things for my return, but most of them were different than I thought and I did not expect things to go like this! Another life lesson ;-) Strangely enough it is all good the way it is. Everything always changes, nothing is permanent, 'this too will pass', as one of my friends tells me when I don't feel so well.

And "You are always in the hands of God", someone whispers to me often.