Volcano Country

I drive slowly with my motorbike through the dusky humidity of the rice fields around Yogyakarta, in front of me rises the flank of the Merapi Volcano. I look with awe to this giant cone, some smoke drifting from the top into the grey-blue sky. On my left hand the sun has sunk below the horizon and I catch some lasts glimpses of red in the quickly darkening sky. The smells of food from some road side sellers drifts into my nostril, delicious smells of the meat I no longer eat.... I enjoy the fresh and cool breeze coming from the mountain, and the earthy smell of just-after-the-rain.

I feel lucky, I feel blessed, I feel grateful for moments like these, the beauty of this country, the beauty of sultan-city Yogya. The sights and smells and crowded insanity of Jakarta are slowly fading in my memory, only my favorite images of this behemoth city remain. The little boys playing soccer in their underwear on a McDonalds parking lot. The mother breastfeeding her child on the busy bus, both looking so content and peaceful amidst the morning commuters. Jakarta has beautiful sides, if you look hard, but Yogyakarta is just easily beautiful. Little pearls of beauty around every corner, waiting to be put on the string of my experience.

One more week of research here, and a talk I have to give at the university, then it will be back to Jakarta. I am actually thinking of returning to Yogya in march or early april to start writing some chapters of my dissertation. This place is great, I have some friends here, it is peaceful and I feel the peace of mind to sit down and start writing. Who knows, I might not return to Holland just yet.... For some reason the thought of going back home does not really appeal to me yet.

Is it the constant talk of crisis? The thought of the Dutch weather? Or the fact that I don't have a home waiting for me? In terms of an actual house, that is...since I moved out of the room in Amsterdam and put my stuff in storage. Of course there is a home back home ;-) I really love the Netherlands, but I also love being away from it, I realize. Being abroad there is the freedom to re-invent yourself, your patterns and the activities you do or don't. For once, my life is more quiet here, I don't run around trying to juggle everything from my job at the university to teaching yoga, seeing friends, etc. Of course, there are great aspects about being back home (family, friends, my yoga community, tango dancing, a special person who I would like to get to know better, but who is actually living in Germany...) but they will be there even a few months from now. These are probably my last months in Indonesia for a while to come and when I think about writing in the Netherlands most of the nice parts of being home seem to pale a bit in comparison to life here. Writing in the Netherlands seems like a huge mountain, waiting for me, and it does not look like a nice hike....

When I think about writing here, it feels good, it feels inspiring, like the right thing to do. There is so little to distract me, I work more hours without even noticing. I will wait for a bit to decide what is the best thing to do... Ask for some inner guidance, and some from above might be nice too... but then, that often seems to be one and the same thing.

One thing is clear in my mind: writing my dissertation is a priority for the next 8 months and I am looking to create an environment, here and/or at home, that will be most supportive to write, and in the most enjoyable way possible. Because I am done suffering for this PhD, I am really done with that. It is time to enjoy doing this project, and to enjoy life while writing a dissertation. I know it is possible!

The only question that remains in my mind is the following: Is it egocentric to want to stay here for a bit longer? Am I living for and by myself too much? I am not sure about the answer. Do you have any ideas on this? I would like to hear them.